3:00 PM

steve (to All):

yes –

3:00 PM

[ Waiting for name ] (to All):

no

3:01 PM

Helene (to All):

YEs

3:02 PM

Debbie (to All):

no

3:02 PM

Helene (to All):

Letting go when you know its over?

3:02 PM

Steve A (to All):

Same here…

3:14 PM

Steve A (to All):

no no…let it out

3:18 PM

Steve A (to All):

Sure…

3:18 PM

Steve A (to All):

sorry audio…

3:19 PM

Char (to All):

would he see her today

3:20 PM

Char (to All):

at work

3:20 PM

Char (to All):

wonder how long it will go on

3:20 PM

Char (to All):

yes

3:22 PM

Mari (to All):

you said that affairs aren’t about Love, but they’ve lived together for a year and a half. is that different from other affairs?

3:24 PM

Debbie (to All):

yes

3:24 PM

John (to All):

This morning I wondered when she will figure out and be able to tell me why she did it

3:25 PM

Mari (to All):

it just feels different because they aren’t hiding it. He’s been trying to divorce for a year and a half.

3:27 PM

Mari (to All):

he’s been saying he wants a divorce but he wants it uncontested

3:27 PM

Mari (to All):

can’t talk now.

3:27 PM

Steve A (to All):

Sorry…microphone not working 4me. D Day =~100 days. We spoke briefly a couple of weeks ago. I said I was “mean texting” and losing my temper towards my cheating wife (3 young daughters), living separately. I can’t recall your exact words but to the effect of “take care yourself, ignore her”. That worked 23 out of every 24 hours. Well…I caught the two of them walking out of her office together. I lost it, punched the OG, he tried to run me over with his car and now my wife had attorney send me “cease and desist” anything but kids schedules. Hoping that was rock bottom and today is first day of the rest of my life. Bottom line, I went over the edge and let anger become rage.

3:27 PM

Mari (to All):

he just finally filed a few weeks ago

3:28 PM

Alex W (to All):

My W and have been separated for a year while she’s in Affair. Now she wants a divorce. You said 95% don’t work. What do I do?

3:29 PM

Steve A (to All):

Thank you

3:30 PM

Alex W (to All):

That I don’t want to divorce

3:31 PM

Helene (to All):

Thank you!

3:31 PM

Debbie (to All):

thank you

3:31 PM

Kathy (to All):

thank you

3:31 PM

Debbie (to All):

bye

3:20 PM

Char (to All):

my husband interacts with other women via text, etc.

3:20 PM

Avril (to All):

My husband had an affair that he ended. He duped my son and I and left his belongings at our home while saying he was going on a trip. We then saw him on social media posting about a lovely girl that he is living with in another country. I think we are done.

3:20 PM

Char (to All):

when I questioned him in the past he acted like I had insecurity issues

3:21 PM

Char (to All):

I found the text this weekend and actually took pictures

3:21 PM

Char (to All):

he denied any interaction until I told him about the pictures of his text.

3:21 PM

Char (to All):

How do I respond to this activity?

3:21 PM

Char (to All):

Im at work

3:21 PM

Char (to All):

he would never allow me to interact with men

3:22 PM

Char (to All):

yes

3:24 PM

Char (to All):

sounds great

3:25 PM

Char (to All):

this has happened more than once – he says that I dont trust him and that he has done nothing wrong

3:25 PM

Char (to All):

yes but there seems to be more – his text one time asked a woman to spend the night

3:32 PM

Char (to All):

thank you

2:56 PM

Todd (to All):

I know you’ve answered and spoke before but today just literally 20 minutes ago after 2-3 weeks ok it hit me he may of asked her but she didn’t say no instead made her response ok. Never may of verbally said it I’ll never know but she was ok with being there and don’t know how to deal with that now. I was reading one of your emails sent and it just triggered it off in me about how the guy asked and says it’s my problem she couldn’t say no not his and don’t know how to deal with that today right now. The day was fine now I’m anxious and all torn up so any suggestions on what I can do knowing she said ok?

3:00 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:01 PM

Tom Swan (to All):

yes

3:12 PM

Elena (to All):

I found out in June my husband had been having an affair since January. He told me he ended it and we went to marriage counseling and I thought things were getting better. I found out the begnning of October he had never cut off contact with her and had at least been in phone contact with her. He told me he had feelings for her and wasn’t sure what he wanted. Two weeks later he told me he needed to stay somewhere else and figure out what he wanted to do. She is moving here this weekend, she had been living about 45 minutes away, and he plans to move in with her. She left her husband for my husband about the time I found out he was still in contact with her. However he tells me nothing is final and he loves me and his feelings for me haven’t changed. He came to the house last night and hugged my crying saying he misses me. But he won’t change his mind about moving in with her this weekend. We have been married 21 years togehter for 24. We have 3 children. I feel his affair is a combo of 1 and 4. I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t understand how he says he loves me and misses me but is willing to lose me to be with her and thinks hes so in love with her.

3:22 PM

Elena (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

steve (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Patricia (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Rob (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Steve (to All):

That I don’t even want her back

3:02 PM

Steve (to All):

Can’t ever trust her again

3:03 PM

Rob (to All):

I agree. I ? everything.

3:09 PM

Rob (to All):

it took my husband over a year to figure out what he wanted after his affair.

3:17 PM

Patricia (to All):

My husband of 22 years has cheated at least emotionally, and dismisses my feelings by telling me “it didn’t mean anything.” Because he refuses still to be truthful, I feel there is no hope for change. We signed final divorce papers 2 days ago, but he wants to get back together and did not want the divorce. I have zero trust that he will change long term.

3:31 PM

Kathy (to All):

thank you

2:55 PM

Todd (to All):

My question is how to deal with the denial that the person I’m with actually did this since it’s so far from whom I have been married to all these years and deal with no matter if we can stay together that no matter these horrible acts happened and can’t ever be taken away no matter know how much is shown or said about now I’m the person she wants to be with

3:03 PM

steve (to All):

yes

3:03 PM

lilly (to All):

yes

3:03 PM

lily (to All):

yes

3:03 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

yes it is

3:04 PM

Beth (to All):

how long does it take for affair fog to lift after ending affair

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

right

3:06 PM

Todd (to All):

I guess when I look at her I see her with him doing when she tries to be with me or touch me I see her doing that with him as what she wanted that’s what triggers me

3:10 PM

Beth (to All):

yes

3:16 PM

Tara (to All):

I am struggling to make any kind of peace with my marriage possibly finally ending – after 4 years of living separately. We have tried to reconcile and at times have done well – but he has gone back to the affair partner again and again. Last Dec. we found out she was pregnant and there is now a baby. We have been together for almost 26 years and have a 9 year old daughter. I am just not ok with this whole situation, and feel like I can’t move past me trying to “fix” the situation and end the destruction he has created. I feel very judged for standing by my marriage.

3:20 PM

John (to All):

My wife had an affair with her then boss in 2009. I stumbled on evidence to in May, confronted her and she eventually admitted it. Been in marriage counseling for 6 weeks. yesterday the counselor told me that I likely won’t get answers to all my questions and I need to start moving forward. Told her (counselor) that it feels like she’s trying to hurry my healing. how do I get them both to understand that we need to repair the affair damage before I can work on general marriage issues?

3:21 PM

Leah (to All):

what are signs that affair is ending and spouse moving back to marriage? we don’t talk of his ongoing affair and I sense a change but not sure what to look for

3:21 PM

Beth (to All):

can’t hear you dr.

3:21 PM

lily (to All):

cant hear either

3:21 PM

Todd (to All):

sound is gone

3:22 PM

Leah (to All):

yes

3:22 PM

lilly (to All):

yes

3:22 PM

lily (to All):

yes

3:22 PM

Passi (to All):

yes

3:22 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:23 PM

Tara (to All):

I am struggling to make any kind of peace with my marriage possibly finally ending – after 4 years of living separately. We have tried to reconcile and at times have done well – but he has gone back to the affair partner again and again. Last Dec. we found out she was pregnant and there is now a baby. We have been together for almost 26 years and have a 9 year old daughter. I am just not ok with this whole situation, and feel like I can’t move past me trying to “fix” the situation and end the destruction he has created. I feel very judged for standing by my marriage.

3:23 PM

John (to All):

am I muted I think

3:28 PM

Bridgette (to All):

horrible echo

3:00 PM

steve (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Beth (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Bonnie (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Gen (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Beth (to All):

my husband told me that he wants to end work emotional affair but doesn’t want to hurt her feelings or her “not like her’ AFFAIR FOG?

3:03 PM

Gen (to All):

my husband came back after 3 months of no silence after my affair and we spent several days together. however, he kept saying that our marriage is over, to not talk about the problems and see where it goes, and that he misses me. but he also talks about how he’s seeing other people. there’s one girl in particular that I was concerned about and found that he was talking a lot to her while he’s been with me. I really wanted to work things out and was transparent with him but his anger

3:04 PM

Beth (to All):

YES

3:04 PM

Gen (to All):

is is preventing us to communicate. what should I do? I feel like the other woman and he’s giving me mixed signals

3:05 PM

Beth (to All):

YES

3:07 PM

Gen (to All):

he keeps saying that we’re divorced and I have no right to look into this.

3:09 PM

Gen (to All):

yes

3:10 PM

Gen (to All):

it’s not allowing me to talk

3:10 PM

Gen (to All):

yes

3:10 PM

Gen (to All):

but I really wanted to work it out

3:12 PM

Gen (to All):

right now we’re not talking

3:12 PM

Gen (to All):

I told him that I can’t lose my self respect and dignity because he’s been lying to me this entire month and he told me to never come around

3:15 PM

Gen (to All):

should I just give him space

3:15 PM

lilly (to All):

How do I handle the additional betrayers? Those who supported my husband affair through keeping of secret & lies, using their phones, apartments to meet/hook up w/AP. He continues his relationship with these individuals as if nothing happened. I have tried to put boundaries in place

3:16 PM

steve (to All):

Same question as Lilly – friends of my wife not friends of the marriage……..

3:17 PM

lilly (to All):

sure

3:27 PM

Bridgette (to All):

no answer would be good enough lilly

3:33 PM

tami (to All):

Thank you, aways learn something.

3:33 PM

Kathy (to All):

thank you

3:02 PM

steve (to All):

YES

3:02 PM

Mike P. (to All):

Yes

3:02 PM

Mari (to All):

yes

3:05 PM

John (to All):

I have asked a question before. my wife has been emotionally shut down for 2.5 year. she has now admitted she does not want to ever have sex with me again, she has had an affair

3:06 PM

John (to All):

will her feeling change?

3:06 PM

John (to All):

we are in counselling together

3:07 PM

John (to All):

she said she had sex with me when she did not want to, yes she is angry and she always said yes when she meant no

3:07 PM

John (to All):

I can not talk tonight

3:07 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

hi my husband had 2 year affair been over for 2 years he said meant nothing but it was 2 years how can I believe it wasn’t serious he says he always wanted to stay with me and family

3:09 PM

John (to All):

she is angry, no abuse in history

3:09 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

when ukjujjujtnnjjjunnujjjjn

3:09 PM

John (to All):

thank you, that is helpful

3:10 PM

Alex W (to All):

How to deal with W who moved out 9 months ago, continues an affair )part time) and says she’s never coming back and yet not talking about or filing for divorce?

3:11 PM

Double (to All):

I gave my cheating husband some boundaries and he did not abide by them. I had let him come home on the understanding that he would not cheat again. He went on a vacation and is now cheating and plannig to stay in another country. He doesn’t know that I know. So I want to know how to deal with it.

3:12 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

yes

3:13 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

he was working away and we had lost everything

3:13 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

he said she was opposite to me

3:14 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

he is angry with me coz I didn’t keep house crust enough

3:15 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

yes

3:15 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

yes

3:15 PM

Todd (to All):

what do you do with the her saying it wasn’t intimate or attraction to be able to deal with the affair although it’s been identified as emotional needs being met I still feel there was intimacy for her to the guy she was going to

3:16 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

yes he is that

3:16 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

he cheated on his first wife too

3:16 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

yes when he lost everything

3:16 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

financially

3:17 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

we have lost everything

3:17 PM

Ellen (to All):

I read How to Break Free from the Affair but my husband could be type 2 or type 3 or even type 7. I’m not new to the infidelity game (we are in our ’60’s but I’m trying to determine what the future holds. Travels internationally all the time. I found about cheating six years ago. Just found out it didn’t stop.

3:17 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

is that coincidence 2 x family

3:18 PM

Ellen (to All):

I’m trying to apply the princples in the book but don’t know how

3:19 PM

Ellen (to All):

Yes

3:21 PM

Mary (to All):

There are no predictable patterns to my spouses behavior. My situation is similar to Ellen’s. what is awful is the day to day when he is home, very angry many days. ok other days.

3:31 PM

Double (to All):

Thank you.

2:59 PM

Todd (to All):

so when do you know it’s time to give up and if so should you feel guilty on your part because your not the perfect spouse

3:00 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Dia (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Elena (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Betty (to All):

yes

3:03 PM

John (to All):

my wife and I are now having couples counselling after her being emotionally closed down totally for 2 years. currently my wife will accept no responsibility for anything she has done (including an affair) today she says she has no feelings and because of this no remorse. the lack of remorse and taking responsibility is what I find hard

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

you can try but hasn’t worked in past

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

it asked but won’t let me answer

3:05 PM

AJ (to All):

I am working on my marriage and my relationship with my spouse everyday. My wife has said that our relationship will be ending in divorse. Any tips to help people deal with the everyday interaction even though that is the feelings of your spouse?

3:06 PM

Todd (to All):

ok

3:07 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:07 PM

Elena (to All):

When husband tells you he feels resentment towards you because he has felt emotionally neglected (lack of sex) and thats how his affair ensued. He feels guilt over it but has not come home after 3 months. He is fearful nothing will change. What can I do/say to encourage him to even try?

3:14 PM

AJ (to All):

she is not

3:14 PM

AJ (to All):

yes

3:14 PM

AJ (to All):

yes

3:15 PM

Zha (to All):

my husband had an Internet affair almost 3 years ago. I am having trouble getting over because he still wants to have sexual experiences with other woman – strip club for example. How do I deal with this?

3:16 PM

Troy (to All):

My wife is telling me she wants out of our marriage. I discovered she has someone (a man) she is lunching with, but is texting him at night and on weekends. We went to one therapy appointment, and she’s deciding on if she wants to give it a chance and do a weekend intensive session. She acts normally around our kids and with me in front of the kids, but is very cold with just me. She asked for time and space, which I’m trying to grant, but I still want her to know I care. She has a friend sort of encouraging her. How can I get through to her to open her eyes and get her to counseling. The therapist said he could see it stirring in her mind as he encouraged her to do counseling. How much time should I give to ask about counseling again? I don’t want to over do it.

3:18 PM

Betty (to All):

I have a a lot of resentment towards the other woman who is someone I know. how to I get pass the angry neglect thoughts and how I want to cuss her out and call her all kinds of ugly names. and I already had words with him the night he left after I caught him at her house the second time. there a lot of history with her him and me. I guess I never understood is how can a person feel that they have the right to interfere in a relationship?

3:22 PM

Dia (to All):

For AJ – could he say he deserves better?

3:25 PM

Zha (to All):

how do I injure the mic?

3:25 PM

Zha (to All):

How do i unmute

3:26 PM

Julie P (to All):

Click the red mic

3:28 PM

Zha (to All):

I can’t unmute!

3:30 PM

Dia (to All):

Thank you for doing these sessions. I feel less alone, just from showing up.

3:31 PM

Elena (to All):

thank you

3:32 PM

Gabor (to All):

thank you

3:32 PM

Kathy (to All):

thank you

3:32 PM

tami (to All):

Thank you

3:00 PM

Bridgette (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

tami (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Chris (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Mary (to All):

yes! hi, Dr H – Mary checking in. h

3:00 PM

Simon (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:01 PM

Bonnie (to All):

hi from Bonnie

3:03 PM

Mary (to All):

Spouse is NOT communicating about affair (now year 2) but he is home more, and doing tasks he enjoys around the house. I see this as a good sign, perhaps affair is waning? however, he is still increasingly critical and verbally abusive. I am staying “neutral” hoping this too shall pass!

3:03 PM

Chris (to All):

what should you do if you really feel that your spouse is not following their heart by choosing their affair parter and staying with you because it’s the right thing to do?

3:03 PM

Ron (to All):

my wife has told me that I do not deserve to have sex with her. that I’ve crossed lines with her sexually. I cheated on her. now she is cheating on me.

3:04 PM

Mike B (to All):

What if your wife is showing signs of styles of affairs #4 and #6

3:04 PM

Ron (to All):

I am wondering what I should do?

3:06 PM

Mary (to All):

I appreciate the advice!

3:06 PM

Ron (to All):

and are there any exercises I can do in order to control all the negative self-talk that then makes me want to lash out verbally at my wife?

3:07 PM

Chris (to All):

yes

3:08 PM

Ron (to All):

what I mean is that all the fear of losing my wife, all the jealousy of thinking about the other man/men has a way of taking control of everything else I can think about.

3:08 PM

bill (to All):

wife & i r separated 2 1/2 months, former coworker was emotional affair partner. he has since taken another job. since then wife has been much more agreeable, initiating contact, offering help in many ways but still firm on wanting divorce if pressed. her actions r definitely pointing in a different direction last few weeks….I’m tiring of it all, but feel a breakthru might be near w/patience… how much more patience is the question since we r very much in a delicate position right now. any suggestions?

3:18 PM

Ron (to All):

that is accurate

3:19 PM

Chris (to All):

listen to their reasoning

3:19 PM

Bridgette (to All):

??

3:19 PM

Chris (to All):

empathy

3:20 PM

Chris (to All):

two wrongs don’t make a right

3:20 PM

Mary (to All):

revenge affair sounds destructive

3:20 PM

bill (to All):

listen and validate if she’s willing to talk

3:20 PM

Laura (to All):

some of my husbands justifications were revenge but not because I had an affair but because of resentments he stored up and held against me

3:20 PM

Ron (to All):

I’d say there is more to it than that but there is definitely an element of revenge.

3:20 PM

tami (to All):

those in glass houses shouldnt throw stones But revenge affairs are NEVER the answer.

3:21 PM

Ron (to All):

thank you doctor

3:21 PM

Ron (to All):

her first affair was with one of my friends so defI’m Neely revenge

3:21 PM

Ron (to All):

definitely

3:25 PM

bill (to All):

yes, thank u!

3:26 PM

Ron (to All):

your comments to everyone else also help me in my thinking. thank you.

3:27 PM

Laura (to All):

sounds like it..he is like a clam

3:27 PM

Laura (to All):

soft on he outside will cut off his nose despite his face

3:27 PM

tami (to All):

great comments on resentment thank you

3:27 PM

Elena (to All):

I discovered my husband’s emotional affair on June 26th. Devastated, I asked him to leave. He has since moved in with his affair partner and I am sure his affair in now physical. He has sat down with me, had a discussion and told me he loves me but no longer in love with me. He is confused, felt a disconnect for a while due to me not being as affectioate as I used to be but asked that I not seek a divorce yet and give him time to think. It has been 3 months and I cannot take it anymore. What should i do?

3:27 PM

Chris (to All):

yes I feel that way about my husbands affair too. so much resentment toward me

3:29 PM

Elena (to All):

children…

3:31 PM

tami (to All):

thanks again Dr. Bob

3:31 PM

Bridgette (to All):

ty

3:31 PM

bill (to All):

thanks

3:31 PM

Chris (to All):

ty

3:31 PM

Laura (to All):

thank u

3:00 PM

AJ (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Bridgette (to All):

yes

3:01 PM

Chris (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Scott (to All):

dr. bob, do you have a professional opinion on how much more difficult it is in dealing with recovery from an affair with a spouse recently diagnosed with adult add, bi-polar and probably borderline personality disorder? is the risk of relapse much higher when these conditions are present? TU

3:02 PM

Todd (to All):

so since sex is usually what an affair is about how do you rekindle and try and share sex with your partner now without the fears of you doing same thing they searched for and help them remember their experience

3:04 PM

Chris (to All):

my husband claims it was just a sexual affair but the email I found and texts that I saw tell a different story. plus she was a family friend. hard to believe he is over her? I do I trust again? how do I know he isn’t still thinking about her?

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

I guess question is how to make it special again between the two of us not just using the other like was what was being done in the affair

3:06 PM

steve (to All):

Been patiently ‘charging neutral’ for months without any noticeable changes in my wife’s behavior. I know the affair has continued and she has been seeing a therapist on her own and has committed to making a decision by the end of the year if she wants to re-commit to our marriage. I recently found a draft of a letter she is writing to ask me for a divorce. She doesn’t know I saw it and she hasn’t given it to me yet. Should I confront her with it or continue to just let it play out?

3:06 PM

Scott (to All):

yes, that was what i was concerned about.

3:06 PM

Chris (to All):

how do I know he really wants to be with me and not only because divorces are expensive?

3:06 PM

Scott (to All):

tu

3:07 PM

Todd (to All):

yes but a big part of what happens it seems

3:08 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:09 PM

Todd (to All):

the trigger is just about I’m afraid now she no longer wants me for that

3:11 PM

Todd (to All):

ok

3:12 PM

Chris (to All):

sure

3:16 PM

Mary (to All):

Mary checking in. My spouse has been showing a few signs of recommitting to our relationship, but is also saying he wants to buy an airline ticket to check on a property in FL (possible hurricane damage) – in the past, he used excuses like this to visit the “other person” in NC. This is making me anxious, and we have had NO dialogue about the affair (two years involvement). I do see signs it may be ending, as he is doing more work around our home. Previously, he said he was moving out. Any thoughts on how I might relieve my suspicions/concerns in th

3:17 PM

Mary (to All):

the absence of any conversations. Zero intimacy in our relationship now – he avoids ANY physical contact, including hugs, touches.

3:27 PM

steve (to All):

Harboring very little – have told her just about everything in a very calm manor. I bought all your stuff

3:28 PM

steve (to All):

Sounds good .

3:30 PM

Mary (to All):

Bob, pls repeat instructions!

3:30 PM

Chris (to All):

Yu!

3:31 PM

Chris (to All):

TU!

2:58 PM

John (to All):

Hi Dr Bob, I can not talk tonight, my wife is still in the home but having an ongoing affair at work, any advice?

2:58 PM

Todd (to All):

I would like to ask you this week how to start not focusing on the things of the affair that I know now how to keep it from being the focal points of my everyday life what are things I can do to try and get it off my mind

3:00 PM

AJ (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

EF (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Safa (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

CSB (to All):

yes

3:06 PM

Safa (to All):

will a request for separation and divorce be the ultimate test to see if the cheater will come around?

3:06 PM

Mary (to All):

My spouse is back home n the home again, but extremely critical. I think he is feeling guilty about his affair and he seems to be doing more “alpha male” behaviors. explanation?

3:10 PM

Todd (to All):

ok

3:12 PM

Bridgette (to All):

im the cheater. 10 yrs ago! im doing everything I can to ahow how sorry I am. I give him his space and sleep on the couch. what else can I do? I dont argue or cause any issues. we have been married 22 yrs!

3:14 PM

Safa (to All):

yes thanks!

3:16 PM

Mary (to All):

No, not #2, he says he feels he is not respected

3:18 PM

Bridgette (to All):

yes…

3:18 PM

jmack (to All):

My wife’s affair was 10 years ago. She just revealed it 1 year ago. Is it any easier to recover than an affair recently discovered. I’m seriously struggling after a year.

3:19 PM

Bridgette (to All):

ok…

3:19 PM

jmack (to All):

BTW 23 years of marriage

3:19 PM

Bridgette (to All):

yes

3:20 PM

Mary (to All):

He is very controlling by nature, and resents me having any opinion different from his. He is, Hoover, trying to do a few helpful things around the home. In our entire marriage of forty nine years, he has never once apologized fir anything!

3:20 PM

Todd (to All):

the question to Bridgette though as my wife also did this is why did she have the affair maybe that’s what he struggles with as I do

3:20 PM

EF (to All):

Found my husband involved in emotional affair with a co-worker. When I found out the next day he came to me and said he was very sorry just got carried away in a friendship and that he wanted our marriage. He still works with her which is very hard any suggestons how to cope with this as it is making the healing process harder for me

3:22 PM

jmack (to All):

bipolar episode

3:25 PM

EF (to All):

thank you.

3:26 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Todd, I let him take his time and dont force him to go on as normal. I know its hard for both of us. I just show him better than I can tell him. At this point Todd the why doesnt matter any more. He’s not interested in that, only that I did it.

3:29 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Todd you can email me. mybuddyj@yahoo.com

3:29 PM

Safa (to All):

So she cheated on me but can’t / won’t feel my pain and therefore not making the effort to make amends. what if I cheat on the cheater?

3:31 PM

John (to All):

similar to jmac. married since 2003, she had an affair with her boss in 2009, I found out this past May. I stumbled across proof so she never planned to tell me. I’m having trouble trusting anything she tells me and spend a lot of time playing the”scenes” in my mind. how do we get them to stop?

3:32 PM

EF (to All):

thank you!

3:32 PM

jmack (to All):

thank you sir

3:00 PM

Lori Johnson (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Simon (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Todd (to All):

spoke with you couple weeks ago had trouble with sound on my end but after struggling for a year of knowing she had the affair last week I uncovered some emails she sent another guy back and forth for a couple of months after the other affair had ended. she had also told me she forgot about these that it was just a game she was playing with him since he lived so far away. I just don’t know how to trust and believe her anymore

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

she tells me no end game for her

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

they mean nothing

3:05 PM

Todd (to All):

but now she’s showing me she wants me just looking for way to believe her that she wants me and only me

3:07 PM

Todd (to All):

well she promises me now this were huge mistakes and will never happen again but also promised me before an affair she could never do this

3:07 PM

Todd (to All):

yea

3:07 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:09 PM

tami (to All):

Affair is over X 1 year, in almost every way my husband acts “normal”, tells me that days go by without him thinking of it and he wants me to “move on”. How is this possible for the cheater to just sweep it all under the rug? He has done some talking of the affair but now pretty much shuts down at any mention and will not discuss any further. Is basically taking the “actions speak louder than words” response and just wants to move on with our life.

3:09 PM

Gen (to All):

i had an affair earlier this year and I told my husband. we tried reconciling but we didn’t see a marriage counselor. I truly felt guilty and disgusted in myself but I’m such an emotional person that my actions didn’t match with what I felt inside. I slowed communications with the OM but I didn’t cut it all off, which is dumb of me. my husband couldn’t take it so he left and I haven’t spoken to him at all for 3 months. we have no kids, and I truly want to save my marriage. I feel that not seeing him led me to think more logically but I feel as though it’s too late

3:10 PM

Gen (to All):

is it too late for me to do something or reach out to him?

3:10 PM

Gen (to All):

he blocked me from phone calls, hasn’t answered my texts or emails

3:14 PM

Gen (to All):

and he would tell me that it’s over and I should move on since he had a new life. basically was the last thing I’ve heard from him

3:14 PM

Lori (to All):

i’m 2 ys out from d-day, is it part of the process to go through a beleif that “i’m through the process of grief and trauma of the affair but now all of a sudden i’m thinking i don’t want to stay in the relationship. not because of the affair but because of the relationship and the man seperate from the affair. Is it possible this is just a natural part of the process of healing from the affair? should a give it time to see if this sense moves through me?

3:17 PM

tami (to All):

no, unable but can type

3:18 PM

tami (to All):

“It just happened”, mid life crisis affair.

3:18 PM

tami (to All):

Yes, he doesn’t like to see me in pain. Wants to ignore it.

3:19 PM

tami (to All):

thank you

3:19 PM

Mike P. (to All):

Dr. Bob, I didn’t see you outline an exit affair in your list of the 7 types of affairs. Do you believe that these typically fall under the other types that you have outlined?

3:21 PM

tami (to All):

Lori – I have these feelings as well. Thank you for asking this. I too wonder if this is a normal feeling following the trauma.

3:22 PM

Caroline Scheirer (to All):

Hi Bob, how can i get my husband open up and talk about his affair and confront it? D-day was 3 months ago and he only ended the affair about 2 weeks ago and stated he wanted to stay in our relationship. He is not the kind of personality to confront his feeling or talk about them, but i need that to move on.

3:22 PM

Lori (to All):

very much so! thank you

3:24 PM

Katherine (to All):

My husband had at least an emotional affair. In the middle of it he told me he didn’t love me anymore and suggested divorce. He denied the affair for a long time until I found something on our computer that showed his strong feelings for the OW. He said he’d end it, but didn’t so I talked to the OW and I believe she ended it. This was December. He still sees the OW regularly through a shared volunteer activity though. He initially tried to blame me for the affair (marriage made me do it), but said he wanted to work on the marriage. However, recently he says he’s not sure what he wants and that he doesn’t always like being around me because I’m a reminder of his shortcomings. I’ve offered forgiveness, compassion, etc. and he tells me that I haven’t contributed to his feeling this way, but we’re not making progress. If he really is mired in shame, how do I address this?

3:26 PM

Caroline Scheirer (to All):

great, thank you

3:26 PM

Alex Winer (to All):

If wife separated 7 months ago and carrying on her affair. What are my steps?

3:29 PM

Carla (to All):

My husband who is having an affair says that he views everything about our marriage in a negative light. I thought our marriage was quite good — we had some of the usual difficulties – but overall my feeling is that it was very positive. How can I get him to remember the positive things about our relationship?

3:30 PM

Katherine (to All):

Thank you.

3:30 PM

Kathy (to All):

Thank you

3:31 PM

Carla (to All):

thanks!

3:01 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Kathy (to All):

no

3:02 PM

Peter (to All):

no

3:05 PM

mike (to All):

When you just said its time to act what do you mean?

3:06 PM

mike (to All):

yes

3:10 PM

AM (to All):

Do you change your approach with your spouse when they tell you after 4 months ago that they are trying to work on the marriage, that they are here (not moving out as was threatened prior), and this will take time to this past week – “I am just here for the kids” and “I do not care what you do to help the marriage”.

My wife had an emotional affair (I believe affair type 4, 5 and 6 best apply) which I believe does not continue to exist. She is physically dealing with a serious aliment that has now come to a point and she is blaming me for. The aliment might be stress and anxiety related and me not being sympathetic enough/change the situation of her working too much is the reason why she is sick.

I have been trying to do my part to create a comfortable environment, not dwell on the problems and take an approach of support/love/moving forward but now I feel I am even pushing her further away.

3:10 PM

Kathy (to All):

My husband seems to be doing all the right things. However, he has always been reluctant to talk about what happened. In fact, he has always been reluctant to talk about anything controversial. In addition, he has historically been a liar of omission. We were married 29 years when this happened. We are now 2 years out of my finding out. I have gone through the rage; destroyed things; and nearly destroyed myself with foolish attempts at suicide. I am much better now. I just want to know if there is a path to overcome suspicion and the need to try to read his mind. Or is more time the only hope.

3:12 PM

mike (to All):

my spouse has moved out. she states the affair is over. She continues to say she loaves me but she isnt in love with me. Recently her and I have been going out and doing other things together. When we are together its great, but then I can feel her wall me off and shut down. It is extremely frustrating. I am working thru savemarriageforever. Not sure what to do. I am frustrated because she shuts down and I am not sure what to say or how to get her to start reconnecting.

3:14 PM

Tami (to All):

I”ve done most of the work in recovery. Husband just gets defensive when I try to communicate my feelings with him at this point and quickly shuts down. Says he has “said enough”. Suggestions?

3:15 PM

AM (to All):

She says she needs nothing from me and that she is independant to handle her own situations

3:15 PM

Peter (to All):

How do I stop “treating the sick one” and get attitudes to turn around?

3:16 PM

AM (to All):

that i but her in that situation

3:16 PM

AM (to All):

thank you!

3:18 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:18 PM

Kathy (to All):

sure

3:26 PM

frank (to All):

tuned in late maybe already been hit upon. Sent my wife emails, articles, etc from therapists and psychs saying the W.S. needs to help the betrayed heal and should open up about everything that went on in the affair. I had several unexpected operations that she stayed to take care of me even when I asked her to go. She goes through life like nothing happened

3:29 PM

Carla (to All):

My husband of 38 years (he is 68 years old) has been having an affair with a 34 year old who was a student of his. He moved out 1.5 years ago to live with her, but one year ago began going back and forth between the two of us, stating he was not sure what he wanted. Three days ago he texted me to say he was leaving her and wanted to “come home”. He just texted me a few minutes ago to say that he had indeed just left the AP and was on his way “home.” We had what I thought was a wonderful marriage, and I have tried to be patient with him and work on myself while he was having what I thought was a “mid life crisis,” but this “back and forth” is severely damaging my feelings for him. I would appreciate some strategies to use or words that I could say that might successfully encourage him to actually stay this time and work on our marriage.

3:33 PM

Kathy (to All):

Thank you

2:54 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Can we get a copy of this meeting?

2:56 PM

Bridgette (to All):

My husband and I are working on being friends after 22yrs of marriage is this good to try to repair our relationship?

2:57 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Thank you how do i get to the q&a’s?

2:58 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Ok

3:01 PM

Kevin (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Got it…

3:03 PM

Eloise (to All):

6 mo after I left, he’s with another woman, no contact, I can’t stop thinking about him

3:03 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Yes

3:04 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Yes

3:04 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Y

3:05 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Y

3:09 PM

Paul (to All):

Yes

3:10 PM

Carla (to All):

My husband has been having an affir for three years. One and one half years ago he moved in with his affair partner. One year ago he showed up at my door, saying he was sorry and wanted to work on our marriage. Since that time he has gone back and forth between me and the AP, trying to decide, saying he does not know what to do. When he leaves the AP (for 5 or 8 or 10 weeks at a time) he lives at our vacation house. His AP calls and texts him many times each day. While he says he wants to work on our marriage and feels a deep connection to me, he does not do much to actually work on our marriage. At this time he is back with his AP. I really loved my husband and wanted to save our marriage, but it seems hopeless. I’ve tried charging neutral, and I implemented your ideas from a webinar a couple of weeks ago — those techniques work, but only for a short time.

3:18 PM

Kevin (to All):

yes

3:19 PM

Kevin (to All):

reluctant to recommit

3:19 PM

Kevin (to All):

no remorse

3:19 PM

Kevin (to All):

no microphone

3:21 PM

Kevin (to All):

she’s sorry she got caught, not that it happened

3:23 PM

lea (to All):

Bob, you are not being very supportive to Kevin…

3:23 PM

Kevin (to All):

this is how i interpret her actions

3:23 PM

lea (to All):

You make it sound that it is all his fault or he has to do all the change…

3:25 PM

Eloise (to All):

A good distinction. I have to get over him. He has clearly left, and I clearly didn’t want him to chose the other woman

3:25 PM

lea (to All):

Not very much…

3:26 PM

lea (to All):

But i understand the difficulty…

3:26 PM

Bridgette (to All):

It works Lea my husband is doing that with me!

3:27 PM

lea (to All):

I undedrstand the impirtance of not putting ourself in the victim mode…

3:28 PM

lea (to All):

Thanks Bridgette…I think Bob is talking about charging neutral. Thank you…

3:28 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Sure..

3:29 PM

Eloise (to All):

I’ve opened the door. He can come back, but isn’t. I have to get out of the victim role. Got it. Not easy

3:31 PM

Carla (to All):

Thank you!

3:31 PM

Buddy’s Laptop (to All):

thank you

3:31 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Thank you…

3:02 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

yes

3:04 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

I can hear

3:04 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

it has been 8 months and no movement from my spouse, she is still angry and saying she wont see me, yet she wont file papers, at what point do i give up.

3:05 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

is it too late to try no contact? do i push her a little now and ask for a meeting? she keeps saying we need to meet to talk about what we are going to do, which means how to divorce.

3:08 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

10 yrs ago i cheated and my husband expects to remember details. I have ms and i cant remember anything…he doubts it. What can i do i dont want to lie!

3:08 PM

Laura (to All):

How to handle combination types

3:09 PM

Leah (to All):

how do we keep our imaginations from getting the best of us? don’t know enough about affair and may be giving it more power than it had but can’t seem to keep imagination in check

3:10 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

yes that is correct

3:12 PM

Annie (to All):

I feel guilty, because there was a lot of abuse in my marriage, physical and emotional and spiritual, and I turned to another friend who is male, and I became attached to him.

3:12 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

cant right now

3:13 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

Yes

3:15 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

Ill try…

3:15 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

No

3:16 PM

Laura (to All):

My spouse says I will never change..he doesn’t believe I will change but he won’t even give specifics as to what changes he is looking for.

3:18 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

she keeps saying over and over she will not see me, it is over etc. i have stopped telling her i love her and i am here for her hoping that she will respond in some way. i am just getting nothing from her and wondering if i should bluff her into action by forcing that meeting or telling her i am ready to move on from her.

3:18 PM

Laura (to All):

leaping the person? sorry I missed that

3:19 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

there has been no infidelity just anger and she says i have emotionally abused her

3:19 PM

Laura (to All):

yes

3:20 PM

Mary (to All):

Bob, I am trying new behaviors, i.e. “staying neutral” but also seeking boundaries and not tolerating verbal abuse. His response is further distancing, using silent treatment. is this to be expected?

3:27 PM

Leah (to All):

how do we keep our imaginations from getting the best of us? don’t know enough about affair and may be giving it more power than it had but can’t seem to keep imagination in check

3:28 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

i think she verbally abused me, but concede that two couples argue and we went to far with our insults.

3:28 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

sorry my comments are all interspersed here

3:29 PM

Mary (to All):

OK, will give this a try, Bob. meta-commenting is a new concept for me.

3:31 PM

Mary (to All):

Thanks, Bob!

3:31 PM

Mary (to All):

how do I get your news

3:31 PM

Mary (to All):

Thanks!

2:53 PM

ege (to All):

thanks.

2:56 PM

Karla (to All):

Is it good to talk about the affair after it has ended and when you want to continue with the marriage? for affair number 4 you suggest not allowing your husband talk about the OP, also I do not know It is good to talk about it because I do not want to be compared to the OP, also because I know his experience with her apparently was very different with what we were experiencing as a couple at that moment. My husband says why I want him to repeat the things he already told me, and sometimes, not all the time, he gets angry when I start asking questions. My husband had an affair last year, for what he tells me form May (flirting started) July there was sexual intercourse in a “Romantic expensive weekend” to September, when I became suspicious and he ended it, he confessed the affair las January. We have moved to another city to be close to my family, for what we have talked and according to what I have read in your book about the different kind of affairs I can say it is a number 4, 5, 6 with some 2, I think

2:57 PM

710-153-133 (to All):

My wife seems to want to date me while carrying on a relationship with her boyfriend. She hasn’t lived at home for more than two years now. When do you say enough is enough? Why does she keep coming back? She just can’t seem to let me go.

2:57 PM

710-153-133 (to All):

34 years of marriage btw

2:58 PM

ege (to All):

should we have our webcams visible?

2:58 PM

ege (to All):

thanks, i’m new to this…seems like most of us are

2:59 PM

710-153-133 (to All):

You’re actually already live Doc.

2:59 PM

Karla (to All):

we are going to be 8 years married next may, btw,

2:59 PM

710-153-133 (to All):

yes

2:59 PM

ege (to All):

yes, all ok

2:59 PM

Jo Weil (to All):

Yes I can hear and see you

2:59 PM

Julie A (to All):

Yes

3:00 PM

Karla (to All):

me too, i can hear and see you

3:03 PM

ege (to All):

there are some things I have not been able to get closure on, even though my husband has moved on from his affair. How do we handle this?

3:04 PM

ege (to All):

the interference is coming from people unmuting

3:04 PM

ege (to All):

beth

3:07 PM

Julie A (to All):

Is vacillation a sign of hope? My husband says he is sometimes confused and wants to come back. He also says that when he looks at me he feels he doesn’t deserve me. That he sees all the disappointment he has caused when he looks at me. He seems very remorseful and upset with what he is doing, but won’t stop his relationship with the other woman.

3:07 PM

Karla (to All):

how could I help my husband feeling better with himfelf, he has told me that his overweight (whichis not a lot!) is very difficult for him as he experienced bullying for a long time for this when he was a teenager, he has said this is a hole in him and he does not know how to address this, I think this was part of his affair about wanting to be desirable

3:09 PM

Karla (to All):

I have told him repeatedly that he is handsome, etc, but he says that it doesn’t matter how many times I say it, that he needs to see in the mirror that he is handsome in his own eyes

3:22 PM

Karla (to All):

also how long is a “short affair” how many months??

3:31 PM

ege (to All):

thank you!

2:52 PM

Bobby (to All):

Hello everyone

2:53 PM

Bobby (to All):

Dr. Bob thank you for taking the time to do this.

3:00 PM

Bobby (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Scott (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

CSB (to All):

yes. thank you!

3:00 PM

AJM (to All):

Can everyone hear Dr. H?

3:01 PM

Bobby (to All):

yes ajm

3:01 PM

Deborah (to All):

yes

3:05 PM

Scott (to All):

images

3:05 PM

Bryant (to All):

why did she keep going back? Was he better

3:05 PM

Bobby (to All):

You get to a point where i thought im over it then yes the images just pops in

3:06 PM

Bobby (to All):

then ager sets in once again

3:06 PM

Scott (to All):

yes

3:06 PM

Scott (to All):

sure

3:07 PM

Tracy (to All):

It

3:08 PM

Deborah (to All):

spouse chose his sex addiction over treatment, his counselor told him our marriage was toxic and he left, and now verbally abuson and

3:08 PM

CSB (to All):

i’ve realized the same thing. My partner is at times also a trigger

3:09 PM

CSB (to All):

same here scott

3:09 PM

Bobby (to All):

yup

3:09 PM

Deborah (to All):

being enough.

3:09 PM

CSB (to All):

yes yes yes!!! not meeting your partner’s needs

3:12 PM

Laura (to All):

Mornings very difficult, really miss him but feelings aren’t mutual, he’s doing nothing to work towards marriage and restoration. Limited communication. Very painful and sad. Trying not to contact or initiate contact, very difficult

3:14 PM

AJM (to All):

Emotional Affair – pain is that the problems continue to come into focus as we are trying to get through them as well as the other person is not out of the picture (business colleague)

3:15 PM

CSB (to All):

my partner and i are well on our way to recovery after 16 mos but there are days when I am just so so sad. I hate bringing up the past but at times I can’t help it. I’ve accepted the reality of the affair and that it wasn’t personal but it’s hard to let go. I look at him am filled with love, empathy but also loss.

3:15 PM

Deborah (to All):

How do I stop nightmares?

3:16 PM

Tracy (to All):

It’s been 2 years, 3 months, 3 weeks, 5 days since first D-Day. Every day I envision her with her APs. I think about where I failed. If I had done things differently, she would not have cheated to begin with. If I had been able to move forward better following her first affair, she would not have cheated again and again. Her repeated cheating has proven that I am not good enough. She has filed for divorce. My life has been destroyed. No marriage, no job, no home, no vehicle. I am the embodiment of failure.

3:16 PM

Sarah (to All):

you just said an affair brings up powerfull themes that have not been resolved in our lives? could you elaborate on that idea?

3:22 PM

Laura (to All):

yes

3:29 PM

CSB (to All):

charge neutral!

3:30 PM

CSB (to All):

follow Dr Bob’s charge neutral advice

3:34 PM

CSB (to All):

thanks again

3:34 PM

Deborah (to All):

thanks

3:35 PM

AJM (to All):

Thank you!

3:35 PM

Ceccanti (to All):

thank you

3:35 PM

Scott (to All):

really appreciate your time dr. bob

2:52 PM

Beverley MacLachlan (to All):

My separated husband wants a divorce. We’ve been married 32 years, In July 2015, his switch went down. I had been very stressed for a number of years. We have had a difficult family. My eldest has emotional difficluties which has been very hard for everyone. I have not been a good wife for 10 years or so. Never satisfied, comlianing, nagging etc. In Dec. 2015, he went online and has met someon else. In Feb. 2016, he moved out. In November 2016, he ws coming back but two days later chnged his ind and decided to stay with the other woman. CHristmas we were together and it was lovely. We have 3 boys [ 29, 27 and 17]. The oldest live in the family home wiht me but the youngest fell out with the oldest boy so for the past 6weeks has been living with his father. I have made a fulsome apology to my husband. I have made massive changes, which he has seen. He says these are great for my life but too late for him. He has just produced a financial settlement proposal. He is very angry and very cruel to me now.

3:01 PM

GT (to All):

yes

3:01 PM

doug (to All):

yes

3:03 PM

Greg (to All):

why does a spouse announce a separation but after they have secured a sex partner?

3:03 PM

Greg (to All):

I only found out by chance.

3:06 PM

Greg (to All):

I can’t hear…

3:19 PM

Gigi (to All):

why would a man tell a woman he was dating for 6 months that he was single and then find out he’s been married the entire time? And then is it normal for the woman to still have feelings for him after finding this out and have difficulty cutting things off with him?

3:24 PM

Lyle V (to All):

Good afternoon

3:26 PM

Lyle V (to All):

Ok, is better now.

3:26 PM

Greg (to All):

he was very helpful.

3:27 PM

Lyle V (to All):

Triggers are a real issue a year after the affair 🙁

3:27 PM

Greg (to All):

it’s so hard to stay calm…. especially when you feel you are close to making sense to your spouse.

3:27 PM

Sheri (to All):

My husband is moving out. He says it’s too emotional here. But I’m charging neutral and I think it’s just his guilt.

3:29 PM

Lyle V (to All):

When I try to talk of the affair, my wife gets defensive and says…”I thought we wern’t talking about that anymore.” I don’t know if it would do me good to know true details, but would confirm past suspicioins and deal with it instead on speculating what may have happened.

3:30 PM

GT (to All):

I beginning to not care—and now she start to change??

3:30 PM

Sheri (to All):

Is this the seminar that I attended last month or a new one?

3:31 PM

Sheri (to All):

Awesome, thanks!

3:31 PM

Lyle V (to All):

Thank you

3:32 PM

Greg (to All):

thank you!!