Affair #5: I Want to Get Back at Him/Her
This is the Revenge Affair. But be careful! Revenge runs the continuum from resentment to rage. Distinctions here are CRITICAL before you begin to address this type of Infidelity.
‘I Want to Get Back at Him-Her, Shifts
Reflect on these 8 significant shifts for this type of affair. Examine the shifts you are making or desire to make. Note when they happen. Keep them in the top of your mind each day. Live with them for the next few days.
Use ‘Matching the Mood’
Initially use Matching the Mood as an experiment. There are 15 other skills you can employ as well. Matching the Mood may not be the end all for you with your spouse. You are changing the rules of your interaction (game) with your spouse so you are not sure of the results. Pay close attention to the outcome.
Use ‘Making Them Right’
“Making Them Right’ is difficult in the midst of devastating pain. Remember to use Charge Neutral in conjunction with Making Them Right. Do you have a support system? Someone to share what you are doing? A place where you can go to debrief? Someone who can encourage you?
Use ‘Gapping the Goal’
You are changing the rules of your interaction (game) with your spouse so you are not sure of the results. Pay close attention to the outcome. Your spouse most likely will not know how to respond to Gapping the Goal. How does your spouse typically respond to surprises? Remember to use Charge Neutral in conjunction with Gapping the Goal.
Evaluating ‘Gapping the Goal’
Food for thought: Were you able to monitor your feelings (where in your body did you feel the stress and tension) and negative thoughts (were you able to “talk to yourself” during the interaction?) Would you do anything differently the next time?
I Want to Get Back at Him-Her Review and Benefits
Use this 13 area checklist to mark your progress. I want you to experience the power of pacing your spouse. I want you to feel safe in your relationship.I want you to acknowledge their frustration as a symptom of their pain and confusion.