Affair #6: I Need to Prove My Desirability Affair
This type of affair may emerge out of nowhere. A seemingly “together” “good” person suddenly is having an affair. Affair #6 examines the deeper origins of this unexpected behavior and gives strategies to address it.
Evaluate ‘I Need to Prove My Desirability’
Take a deep breath. I want you to stand back emotionally and take a few minutes to reflect on these 14 motives and characteristics of someone who need to prove their desirability. Which grab you?
‘I Need toProve my Desirability Shifts’
What type of changes do you want to experience? What is your vision for the type of relationship you want with your spouse and with yourself? These 14 shifts will give you a framework from which to work.
Use ‘Peeling Layers and Silence’
When, where and how will you use “Peeling Away the Layers and Silence?” A short verbatim gives you an introduction to the Use of “Peeling the Layers and Silence.”
Evaluating ‘Peeling the Layers and Silence’
Take time to debrief. Do this during a quiet moment. Or, share what happened with a trusted friend, mentor or coach. Ask yourself: How successful was your messaging on a scale of 1-10, 10 being very successful? What was your spouse’s response in terms of words, body language, attitude and action? Were you surprised? What was most surprising?
Use ‘Unconditionally Constructive’
Where and when, do you estimate, will be a good time to use Unconditionally Constructive? What outcome do you expect from your spouse? What outcome do you hope for yourself?
Evaluating ‘Unconditioanlly Constructive’
The skill of Unconditionally Constructive fits most relationship situations. However what specifically did you gain by using Unconditionally Constructive with your spouse? How could you improve the next time? Download the evaluation worksheet.
I Need to Prove My Desirability Review and Benefits
This checklist enables you to review and continue to improve regarding the “I Need to Prove my Desirability” type of affair. Go through the 14 point checklist and rate each attainment on a 1-5 scale.
I just want to say that this “Boot Camo” is very helpful. Coming to basic level of understanding of my wifes #6 Event–a ONS– has helped me get a little calmer.
Thank You.
Ray Yusi
I’m glad it’s helpful.
In the immediate aftermath of my wives ONS, which she announced to me by telling me she was pregnant after a month long trip to her home in Belize, I was aggressive about saving the marriage.
Now–exactly five months later and no baby to be responsible for, I am not at all as committed to saving the marriage.
I am a lot older than my wife and it is perhaps better to end the marriage now. She can start over and I will live near my children and grand children.
Based upon what I am learning–she will most probably cheat again. I do not want to go through this 6 months again. I am not healed but I am healing.
RY
My wife says she wants to stay together–but I am not sure I trust her to be committed to our marriage.
She will not talk about the ONS or the process leading up to it–so in a way I feel like she is still keeping secrets. I could be wrong interpreting her silence that way.
She has become very loving–and instead of just sitting back and enjoying it–I am continually skeptical.
None of this makes sence at a basic level.
We have been together 18 1/2 years married 9. Been great–now, as good as it was is how bad it is.
On the face of it she is trying to get us back together, I do not understand why I am the reluctant one.– And I don’t like me very much for being this way.
I have never committed to a woman before my wife. And I will not ley her get to me like this again.
RSY
Just a note of interest.
In the “Need to prove my desirability” Review–it makes reference to “My marriage made me do it” at the bottom.
I checked the “My marriage made me do it” and it appears correct,
Respectfully,
Ray Yusi
Last night my wife and I talked for 90 minutes. She will not talk about the “ONS- event” other than to say that it wasn’t as sexual as it was about her feeling trapped and worthless. – go figure.
We had had an argument and I lost my temper and raised my voice. She then started the conversation by saying “just put it behind us”. I want to, but I don’t trust her to be faithful now. She says she will never do it again and learned a lot by the pain and “self loathing”-her words- but I don’t see us addressing the core issues of #6.
She says ‘Just do it”. I need to read and discuss and think etc. We are very different that way.
After the argument you would have thought we just met–she was very affectionate, and I was again skeptical.
I just lay back and enjoy the animal of it–not like it is my wife.
Go Figure.
Sounds like you made a firm decision.
Your reluctance to trust again is normal. You can be direct and let her know how difficult it is to trust. You might outline how she might help you with that, if, indeed, you want that trust developed.
Sweeping the memories under the carpet will not work. “Just put it behind us” is a common response. You might indicate to her that you can’t sweep it away and if she truly want’s a different type of relationship, a full discussion of your pain and the patterns involved must be addressed.
Good Morning Dr. H.
I have been using your help for about 3 months–I did not check the date.
I am trying to get the courage up to talk with you directly but I am not there yet. I will getthere and soon.
Right now I am noticing something of interest to me.
When this all came down in mid April about my wife’s infidelity between the 15th and 18th of March when she got pregnant–I was beside myself. I told her immediately I would help with the baby and her health and we should stay together.
Things have changed!
She chose to have an abortion at 17 weeks and it has been personally very sad. The beginnings of the baby and the end of the baby have been very negative for both of us. BUT it did happen. She was unfaithful and we did kill the baby, an innocent victim.
Then since the abortion my head and heart have been changing. I no longer have the responsibility of the baby and so my mind has turned to the infidelity. My wife refuses to talk about the “event”, however we have had two discussions about our relationship since the infidelity but I can ask no questions about how it all happened. A “lunch gone wrong-Intense sexual tension-a hot moment–2 to 3 minutes of sin”–all her words.
I cannot ask what or how the process progressed. I don’t want details about the event itself–but I would like to know whow she ended up on her sister’s couch.
The important shift that I am noticing is that I am not longer completely committed to keeping the marriage. I am sort of numb. If she went out and did it again it would be clear–we should end the marriage. But the way is just sort of without feeling.
I think the responsible thing to do is to try and put the marriage back together, we have both said that—-but I am no longer committed to that.
I am thinking seriously of moving on to live near my sons and grandsons and just being stress free.
Thanks.
Hello–This is Ray Yusi–I started working with you July the 8th.
RSY