Affair #4: I Fell Out of Love…and Just Love Being in Love Module
This type of affair centers around personal needs for attention. There is also, obviously, an emphasis on feeling a particular “high” that is traditionally associated with the romantic type of love or infatuation. This is the roller coaster ride type of affair. Hang on!
Evaluate your Present Situation in the “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” type of affair
There are very specific characteristics of the person involved in the “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” type of affair. Discover the most prevalent motives you must face. Spend some time with these questions. Let them sink in. Be honest in your appraisal.
“I Fell out of Love” Shifts
Study the 22 shifts you and your relationship can make as you progress through this Module. Choose those that seem to “hit home” most powerfully for you. Carry them in your thoughts each day. See what happens!
Use “Back Off”
Go over the 14 tips to control your thoughts and feelings in this Module and choose a couple to implement. The “Needless Program” powerfully addresses personal need systems which often dominate an affair.
Evaluating “Back off”
Take time to debrief. Do this during a quiet moment. Or, share what happened with a trusted friend, mentor or coach. Allow the questions in this Module to guide you.
Use “Contextualize”
This section starts you in the direction of Contextualize. Keep in mind: Initially use Contextualize as an experiment. There are 15 other skills you can employ as well. Contextualize may not be the end all for you with your spouse. You are changing the rules of your interaction (game) with your spouse and are not certain of the results. Pay close attention to the outcome.
Evaluating “Contextualize”
How does Contextualize work for you? Do you notice shifts or changes? What are you experiencing internally as you employ contexualize? Reflect. Learn. Evaluate.
“I fell out of Love” Review and Benefits
I hope you have learned a great deal about “I Fell out of Love… and just love being in love.” I’m excited for you to see progress, however small. I want you to feel your sense of personal power and worth. I want you to see light at the end of the tunnel. I want you to “see through” your spouse and be able to smile. I want you to experience a stable core within.
Hi Dr. Huizenga,
Thank you for dedicating your time and effort to those of us who had to suffer the unbearable pain of betrayal.
My wife of 5 years left me almost a year ago and I came to find out the affair began just before she left. We’ve been separated since and have met sporadically for shortened intervals (coffee, lunch, etc) but never spent real quality time together. She has many of the narcissistic traits mentioned (status driven, always trading in the old for something new, very self conscious about appearance, adrenaline junky). She seemingly follows the passive narcissist but has been known to erupt in rare severe anger when challenged.
Her affair partner is an older (17 year difference- she is 30 and he is 47) who is married with two teenage daughters. She is a nurse and he is a high ranking cardiac anesthesiologist at the hospital they work at and they became close after taking several mission trips together and he shared marriage problems as well. My hunch is she has become to the position of leadership and power at the hospital because of his influence.
I have committed just about all 6 killer mistakes this past year. I poured my emotions through cards, flowers, gifts. I thought it was having a positive effect as I did notice a change in her response the last 3 months we’ve been separated. She has been reciprocating and even started initiating a lot of the affectionate texts always including “I love you”. It wasn’t until a week ago when I spoke with her parents that I realized her actions apart from me were quite different. It turns out she has continued to take secret trips with him and apparently does not wear her wedding ring when I’m not around. It appears her words were quite different than her actions have been.
I let her know last week that I’m moving on and can no longer tolerate the behavior. Her response was very cold and states she detached a long time ago and her heart has hardened over the past several years. She did say she filed a petition for divorce on Oct. 2nd but I have yet to receive anything. A day later she broke down with bits of what seemed like honesty, anger, but no remorse. Basically letting me know all the things I did wrong. But she was able to face the reality that for our marriage to continue it will take both of us contributing (admitting she hasn’t) and will require in her words “enormous sacrifices”. It’s been 5 days since that conversation and I have not heard from her.
Do my thoughts seem logical? Am I foolish to think that just because I haven’t been served the divorce petition she may be having second thoughts? I anticipate severe anger when I use the “consequence em” model. She has deceived everyone and it appears this secret life they’re living is unknown to everyone around them as they are always alone on their trips. When confronted she has been manipulative and denies everything. Most of the conversation is her attempt to find out how I know and what I know rather than sticking to topic at hand.
Thanks for your time and expertise.
Alan
Hi Alan,
Your thoughts seem logical. Often, when confronted by reality, the “I Don’t Want to say No” person backs down. The anger and rage is often followed by a more calm, “let’s talk” approach. It sounds like she is fearful that you spying. She could stand to lose, significantly if found out. Most hospitals do not like, some refuse to tolerate, such an affair. Depends… What is your position? What do you truly want to say to her, Alan?