Welcome to the 48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp
This is where you start. You will learn the 3 Key first steps in Infidelity Recovery: 1. Get in control of your feelings and thoughts 2. Begin to understand the type of affair and 3. Stop doing what doesn’t work.
Type of Affair Chart
Take the next step in pinning down the type of affair facing you. This 70 question survey, with a rating system, helps you objectify the process of discovering the type of affair. Remember, knowledge is power.
Marital Crisis
In the midst of your pain and uncertainty, I offer tools and concepts that will help you
endure, cope and perhaps even, create moments of hope and semi-joy for you. These 14 tips and strategies will enable you to see the world a little differently and approach yourself with more understanding and calm. Others, at the end, tell their stories of using these tips.
6 Killer Mistakes
I outline for you, in this report, the 6 most prominent and common Killer Mistakes that prolong the affair and your misery and, in reality, probably strengthen the bond of the affair relationship (depending on the type of affair.) I want you to experiment with refraining from using any of these tactics for the next 7 days. I want you to experiment with refraining from using any of these tactics for the next 7 days.
Boot Camp Shifts
Examine the shifts you are making or desire to make. Note when they happen. Keep them in the top of your mind each day. Live with them for the next few days. Focus.
Boot Camp Review Questions
What is changing and shifting? You may not think you or your situation is changing, but change and shifts are always in action. Review what you learned and what you were able to implement.
Hello. This is Dr. Huizenga. Please leave your comments, questions or stories related to this Module. I will try to respond periodically. Thanks
Thank you Dr. Huizenga. I am working on this! Has helped me ! But need more recommendations. Reading carefully!
Hello Dr. Huizenga,
Your articles have been a God sent, thank you!
It’s been a little over 6 months since my husband admitted to his long-term affair (Jan. 5th). However, I received an anonymous letter detailing their affair in November.
Since discovery day, we have been going through a roller coaster of emotions as you know. He swears the affair is over and only loves me. This was not the case after I received the letter. He was unsure of what he wanted…”if he wasn’t with me”, “he wouldn’t be with anyone else”.
Presently, he is totally into me. We gave spent a great deal of time together (trips, marriage counseling and all the things you mention in the 6 Killer mistakes). I don’t know what to think now….He had hit rock bottom in Feb and was remorseful, regretful, and displayed a lot of tears. I want to save our marriage but find myself questioning his true intent. Who is he? What does he really want?
I also question if he would rather be with her? And what he thinks about her now? It’s a double-negative to ask him any of my questions since he perfected lying to me.
Can a former cheater change? Is this ingrained in him? Does he still want her or is secretly in contact with her?
I know that I need to change my own thinking and focus on myself. I’m stuck!!! Please help. I too, see a counselor weekly.
Thank you,
Molly
Hi Molly,
Thanks for sharing your situation.
Can a cheater change? Yes. Although the degree of change is often determined by the old patterns or type of affair? Do you have a good feel for the type of affair he had? The type of affair would indicate whether his remorse is real.
Also, the questions Who is he? and What does he really want? point to an underlying emptiness or lack of depth in knowing oneself. These are truly important questions to ask and focus upon. And if these questions are not addressed creating trust will be extremely difficult.
Have you said to him, “I feel like I really don’t know you very well anymore? That concerns me. We are at a point of transition for us and It is crucial that I know you better and you know me better.” (Or, something along those lines.) It seems you want more, and he probably does as well.
Hi Angela,
What type of recommendations are you looking for?
Hello Dr. H., My wife had A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH A FELLOW SHE WORKED WITH 15 YEARS AGO. They ran into each other, exchanged numbers for a lunch and the lunch turned into a “hot moment”. She says she is devastated, but will not talk about any aspects of the event. I don’t care for most details but I am interested in what they talked about during their two hour lunch that resulted in the “Immense sexual tension”, and the “Hot moment”.
She says she just wants to forget it.
Do I need to know more that I do already know
By the way–the way I found out was that she was pregnant!
YA
Ray
Hello Ray,
Ok, Ray, I’m gonna shoot in the dark here. I have very little info from you, but have you considered that it might be affair #6, I need to prove my desirability? Can your wife talk about how she thinks of herself? Can she talk about and expand on the guilt she feels? Where does that come from for her? What was her relationship like with her parents or other significant people in her life? And, here’s the big question: was she abused sexually or suffered from sexual confusion? I might be off the wall here, but what you say, something powerful “got ahold” of her and she lacked the adult capacity to say no. And, is she pregnant with the op’s child? Summary: take a look at #6 and see if it fits.
Also, how are you doing? What does this stir in you?
I might be off the wall here, but what you say, something powerful “got ahold” of her and she lacked the adult capacity to say no. Summary: take a look at #6 and see if it fits.
Also, how are you doing? What does this stir in you?
Thank you for your response.
She ended the pregnancy. I was going to Dr.’s appointments etc with her and trying to support the baby. But that is moot now. I never would have known if not for the pregnancy, I am sure.
Once the Baby was out of the picture, I started focusing on the act of infidelity. I was really knocked down by it–we have been together for 19 1/2 year. Married for 8 1/2 Years. I am much older than she is, but we have had a close and warm friendship and, I would have said, a good marriage.
What could “Get ahold of her”?
Her mother and 4 siblings were abused during her childhood. Her mother left in the middle of the night after a beating to go to the States when she was 16 years old. I met her when she was 17. We got serious when she was 21. She has often said she feels safe with me.-Then why the betrayal.
I am an old athlete and the competitive juices and determination take hold. Also an intense anger. I do not think of her with him all the time, like I first did, but I think of it periodically through out the day, and nights are worse if I wake up. I vacillate between wanting to kick her out and wanting to hold her and make love to her, but we have not yet. I just do not need this at this stage of my life.
She has been with me in the move to Panama 9 years ago and the establishment of our company–the tough times. Now it is not so tough, now it should be easier to be together.
I have used a couple of your techniques from “Boot Camp” and I appreciate them very much.
I have no idea what the long term prognosis is–right now I am becoming ambivalent. It is an ambivalence as a defense mechanism.
She says she loves me and wants to stay together and does not want to talk about the “Hot lunch and moment”. So be it.
Thank you
Ray Yusi
Hello, Doctor,
My wife and I had a very angry discussion during which she broke down and said she could “hardly hold it together” over the “Cheating, pregnancy, abortion, my hurt and anger, and the loss of her self respect.
After that, I believe heartfelt statement we decided to try to put the marriage back together.
She gets my silence on the ONS–no more questions, I get a returned loving wife.
Question: Since I do have unanswered questions, does that bode ill for long term recovery?
R
Dr. I noticed this morning that my name is prominently displayed on my comments to you. Can people just looking for my name on the internet get acces to our very private conversations?
And if they can, is there a way to eliminate my comments with my name?
Ray Yusi
I have purchased the Infidelity Recovery Center. I want to look in the library–how do I acces it?
You should have received an email with access information. Please check your spam folder. If you cannot find it, please email me bob (at) bobhuizenga.com and I will have Alli issue you a new username and password.
Only those who purchase access to the Boot Camp see your name.
Often, the expression of the deep hurt/confusion/pain is a good starting point. It alleviates the tension and constructive communication becomes more possible.
Hello Dr. Huizenga,
My husband’s affair started off emotional and now is a physical affair. He met her at work while he was away. She lives across the country. Although he hasn’t said the words. “I don’t love you anymore” he’s said he just doesn’t feel the same. He has no remorse about it and tells me we are separated and his relationship with this other woman is none of my business.
I took the test to reveal what type of affair he is having and #3 scored the highest (38) with #4 and #6 scored the same (34). He is still living with me but is looking for an apartment and talking about getting a legal separation.
I never talk to him about the other woman and don’t talk about going to councillors. We are pretty much staying “friends” which is good for him but I don’t want to be just “friends”. I’ve been working on me by riding bike (lost 20lbs) which we sometimes do together.
We seem to be heading in a downward spiral. How do I turn this situation around?
Thank You for all of your replies.
But the one question lingers.
I don’t care for most details but I am interested in what they talked about during their two hour lunch that resulted in the “Immense sexual tension”, and the “Hot moment”.
Question: Since I do have unanswered questions, does that bode ill for long term recovery?
Thanks,
Ray Yusi
I am also not comfortable with my full name being displayed on this site. Is there some way to change it so that my name is not shown? If not, please delete my questions. Thank you.
good Morning,
I think that we had a major breakthrough with that very angry dicussion last week!. Near the end of it we agreed that she should leave–then we worked to close the discussion productively and we agreed we should still work to save our very long relationship and our marriage. She assured me she has only failed our vows this one time. So we are staying together and getting closer.
Sunday-yesterday-she came into my office and litterally suduced me. It was wonderful. It is the first time we have made love since March, when this all happened. We have had starts and stutters but this was full on.
Interestingly–I did not think I ould be intimate with her without thinking of the infidelity. I have a very active and imaginative mind–NOPE–none of that. I only thought of her.
So–With your help there is hope for our life.
Thank You.
By the way–the Boot Camp is really helpful- and most importantly–DO-able.
Hell, I know I am inundating you with thoughts. How can I compensate you? I do not want “One on One” counseling but I would like your feed back.–Maybe I have this all wrong. Your systems have been very helpful to me, so I am almost “clinging” to your words.
Iam willing to compensate you properly.
That being said–I am interested in your take on the following–
I have noticed that I am in a perpetual state of anxiety. My wife and I are making good progress I believe, but I feel like another shoe will fall. I think it is the deep awareness that I do not trust her anymore–I want to–but the brain kicks in and says–“give it time”, “Test her”. Lousy way to live.
Is this also normal.
Thank You.
ray Yusi
I am re-sending this question because I am in a quandary. I go up and down. Somedays I am fine with her–other days I want to strangle her–not literally.
I would welcome consistency.
Thank You
ray Yusi
Hello, Doctor,
My wife and I had a very angry discussion during which she broke down and said she could “hardly hold it together” over the “Cheating, pregnancy, abortion, my hurt and anger, and the loss of her self respect.
After that, I believe heartfelt statement we decided to try to put the marriage back together.
She gets my silence on the ONS–no more questions, I get a returned loving wife.
Question: Since I do have unanswered questions, does that bode ill for long term recovery?
R
Hello Doctor,
I think I may have answered on of my questions to you myself.
I asked if having incomplete knowledge of the event of infidelity, remember my wife says it was just one time, if that would keep me from re-committing to her.
It is.
I have questions and when I simply ignore them I feel very anxious and angry–It ain’t good.
Ray Yusi
Hi AC. What would you truly like to say to him, uncensored? What is your position? What are you willing to tolerate? What will you not tolerate? His response might be interesting once you being to “charge neutral.” There is a good chance you might back down. Right now, it seems he is controlling, keeping his foot in the door with you while he plays.
I think my partner is working on providing only your initials.
What do your unanswered questions mean to you? What would her answering those questions mean to you? And, once you explore those questions, can you approach your spouse with them? Secondly, there will be many unanswered questions. Often it takes 2-4 years to “work through” the questions and concerns. It’s an unfolding process.
Wonderful. Sounds like the intensity of the anger unleashed other energies as well!
The difficulty to rebuilding trust is extremely normal. There will be many triggers and will stir many old feelings as you move ahead. And, you have every right to let her know how difficult it is to rebuild the trust and you need her help.
It is time to ride the waves and learn. What happens within you… what is triggered? what negative thoughts are generated about yourself? What are you called to learn. Once the learnings are integrated you will feel more consistency.
Burying them will not work in the long run. Your questions are important… they are part of the trust building process.
Hello, Doctor–First, yhank you for helping me get back into “The Center”.
My wife and I are working on getting over her infidelity, but there is a big hole.
She will not talk about it other than to say how bad she feels for doing it. I appreciate that, but I need to get some answers about the process leading up to the “Hot Moment”-her words.
We have made love successfully in the past two weeks and we are close most of the time–on the outside. I feel a million miles away most of the time, and I anxious a lot of the time, and I don’t know why. I feel like she will drop another bomb on me. “Im pregnant” was just the beginning.
I feel (not think) that if she would just answer my questions I would better handle the situation. It has been 5 months and I still wake up in the night and am angry sometimes.
I don’t want to be an ass and make it harder on her than I think it is–but I want to calm me down also.
She seems to think that if we don’t talk about it it will go away.
Thanks for your thoughts,
Ray Yusi
Doctor,
I may be using this “blog” incorrectly.
I want to correspond with you and get your thinking on aspects of the “Recovery process”. However I feel I must properly compensate you. I am, after all taking up your time, experience and judgement. I do not want “One on One” counseling. I would like the exchange of emails–but that requires time and I must compensate you for that.
I truly appreciate your help and especially “The Boot Camp”.
Ray Yusi
It is very common for the cheating partner not to want to talk about “it” – to shut down or shut you out. You might trying being specific about the question(s) you have and state them to her in a calm voice and body language. I know, this is easier said than done.
Go to my coaching package http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/coach.htm and sign up for one of the packages. Instead of phone coaching, I can coach via email. I merely keep track of the time I use to measure the package.
hi bob,i was able to read 6 killer mistakes,however,, none of the other 8 parts.when ever I click on word doc. it just goes blnak Elizabeth
Hi Elizabeth,
Drop me an email, bob at Bobhuizenga.com and I will forward to Alli, customer service, who will send you a new link.
Hello, Doctor.
You sent the following:
Dr. Bob Huizenga
2 weeks ago
“It is very common for the cheating partner not to want to talk about “it” – to shut down or shut you out. You might trying being specific about the question(s) you have and state them to her in a calm voice and body language. I know, this is easier said than done.”
I am a bit worried about me in all of this.
I seem to have gotten to a place where I almost don’t care. I feel very detached.
It is like her ONS has taken all the respect that I had for her and destroyed it. I know that is not a forgiving state of mind, but it is so comfortable.
If she went out tomorrow and did it again I would simply –AND very comfortably –say “Good By”.
According to her she would probably not come back anyway.
The tough part for me is that I feel fine with this “Giving up attitude”.
I simply do not want the exposure to pain loving her causes now.
I also feel like a coward, and i am not that, I assure you.
You know what this is–CONFUSION!
Im going to hook up with you at:
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/coach.htm
Ray
I am torn in ordering yur personal coaching–I am being candid–I don’t know what I woud say to you. I cab write my thoughts but saying them is very intimidating.
Im working on it.
R
Hello, Dr. Bob. My husband is 75 years old. I am 66. We have been married almost 39 years and together for 41 years. I am his 4th wife. I do not believe there has ever been a time when he did not have another woman waiting in the wings (ex-wife #1, an older woman who worked with us, and his last secretary). I often suspected he was cheating, but most of the time I did not know for sure what he was doing. Six months ago he became involved with a 36 year old woman he met in a 12 step meeting. She sends him pictures of herself topless and I have caught him looking at these and suspect he has quite a few more I have not seen. Some he may have taken.
This most recent indiscretion started 6 months ago and has been quite different from before. Whereas, I never knew for sure before, this relationship has been “in my face” due to the fact that he is justifying it based on the 12 step program. They communicate for hours daily on Facebook (even though she is married to an 80 year old man and has children). During the first 4-6 weeks, he was on the computer 24/7 unless he was eating, sleeping, or golfing. Now he uses a notebook to Facebook with her part of the time so he can watch TV with me while communicating with her. By checking cell phone records, I can see they also continue to talk for about 2 hours daily, but he does not know I know this.
During the first couple of months, he had some very violent outbursts even though I was not making the 6 Killer Mistakes. He said very hurtful things. He had never been so ugly to me before. It was so bad I consulted a lawyer and started preparing to leave if he continued with the violent outbursts. He expects me to be in situations where I come face to face with this woman at least a couple times/week. He has never introduced us and she always seems very happy in these situations. The type of affair scored highest for #3 (I Don’t Want to Say No), but also scored high for #2, #6, & #7.
I am glad I found your online information, as I had made an appointment to start seeing a local psychiatrist for support (something I really did not want to do). Do you think there is hope this affair will ever end, since he has had long term relationships before (one died and one moved away)? Do I need to read your e-book before scheduling an appointment with you?
EJH
Hi Dr.,
I have been married 25 year. Together 27. I found out my wife was having an A in March ’15. We separated in July ’15. She stated I love but not in love with you. Does not want to work on marriage. To me the way she acts it is a mid life crisis plus affair. She walked away from me and our daughter and all of her family belongings, home like she doesn’t have a care in the world. When we have communicated she is very short on texts, Minimal words. In person she seems normal but way out there. She has moved to another town, Her AP lives here in my town. She had stated she was only talking to him, but I mentioned that I had heard she had been seeing him. She admitted it. I have gone dark, no contact since T giving. We have our daughters college grad. this next weekend. I need advice on handling it. I really dont want to see her there, daughter just as soon not walk. Just last xmas we all had a nice vacation together and then one day in Feb she started texting this old BF, and on my 25th on got the bomb dropped.
Any advice from here?
I have gone over the system and I have pretty much done both sides of what to do and what not to do.
I just feel like its over and I should just let go and move on.
Hi Michael,
I don’t think it’s over. Much needs to be resolved. 25 years is not ended cold turkey. If you don’t want to see her at your daughter’s graduation, you might firmly declare to her that you do not want her to come. It might be interesting to gauge her response. The sizzle of old boyfriends grows cold after a while.
Just to be sure the affair checklist questions refers to the cheating partner, right? (Attaches self to others, etc refers to the cheating spouse.)
Thanks
Hi How much is someone being abused as child mentally physically and sexually a factor in someone having affairs? My wife had seven affairs starting 1 1/2 years in our marriage. Four of them were one night stands and the other three were long affairs that went on for months and one for more than a year. She wont tell me why she had the affairs her response is I don’t know. It seams like any guy who showed any interest in her she slept with. We have been married for 27 years and I am just finding out about the affairs after her confession. 6 of the affairs happened in the first ten years then she had a one night stand with an old class mate four and a half years ago. I don’t know if I should just cut my losses and divorce her or how I could ever trust such a unfaithful spouse. I just downloaded the course and haven’t gone thru the material yet.
Hi Richard. Sorry for the late response. I was supposed to be notified of comments, but apparently there was a technical glitch. Abuse as a child is often a predictor of infidelity. Affair #6, “I Need to Prove my Desirability” often has at it root, some form of childhood sexual abuse. She most likely does not make the conscious connection between the infidelity and her abuse – too painful for her to look at.
Hello Dr. Huizenga
my husband left our 6 year realtionship for a 3 months romance and calls it true love. we have been on off the situation for 6 months now. he moved to the other woman but cant leave me either. he has moved to another town due to work now and still “doesnt know what to do”. he will go to therapy now too. he said he wants a 6 weeks NC phase. i am afraid that it will make things worse? what are my chances and how do i act the best? i know i need to move on with my life – but i am now in the postition either he wants t work on “us”, or we will get divorced. my energy level is just all been used up 🙁 – its all been really sad – he is cheater type nr 4 btw – i fell out of love…
Thank you for helping
Hi Dr. Huizenga, thank you for this course, I’m just starting. I can’t download the doc. On number 8 is it emailable or available for an iPad ?
Thank you
Is this thread still going on???
Hi. I’m not sure what devices will work or not work. I suggest you use a computer. That device seems universally work.
Yes, Jason. I’ve had problems getting notified of posts, but I think that is fixed.
Hello,
Just ordered the 48 hour bootcamp. I discovered the affair on Friday and confronted her on Sunday. We got together with a couple at our church and to start the healing process encouraged us to forgive her. I did. I’m glad I did because I feel like I do love her. I need tools to cope and we had counseling on Wednesday. We went well. However now I wonder if I want to stay married. She broke it off the day I discovered and she is crying over that relationship more than the damage she caused. She assume 100% blame. this website said to avoid any sort of decision while early in the trauma…now that I have taken steps to “recover” I really want to step back and assess, but still want to continue. What is your advice.
Hi Jason,
Many find my ebook, Break Free From the Affair, extremely helpful. First of all, it helps you feel “normal” in your feelings and reactions. It also helps you to stand back and understand the affair. Which of the 7 types of affairs do you think it is? Or a combination? And, once you determine the type, you are given strategies to pursue. Affairs are different, so it is very important to make distinctions. You have a ways to go, so take a deep breath, realize that you are ok… she has a problem, stand back and let yourself at times, just watch what is happening.
Thank you Dr. Huizenga. I just downloaded the sheet to determine what type of affair. I have a fairly good idea because she expressed it to me once. The love being in love. I really feel that she feels she had no choice when I discovered the affair. I feel like she just wants to do “what’s right” because we are Christians and its the right thing to do. My trust is broken and she really hasn’t been giving me reassurance. if anything, I feel like I’m the one driving it. its just rough, I’m grateful for this forum. I want to heal and and I want it the best way possible. Thank you for the tools you provided.
You are welcome, Jason. Yeah,it can be rough. It certainly brings up much in you. Take some time to notice what it brings up.
Should I discontinue the counseling session? I officially found out about the affair on sunday and we had our first counseling session Wednesday.
What if I did some of the killer mistakes already?
Depends on whether it is being helpful. Often, at the beginning of discovery, it’s not that helpful. But that’s just a general trend.
Everyone makes the killer mistakes! Join the crowd!